Let’s talk about relationships today | Blissful and Fit
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Let’s talk about relationships today

 

Hello friends. Let's get personal.

I'm in the throws of a budding relationship (squeeeee, omg, yes he's cute). It's been over 8 months since my last relationship ended. I won't go into any details about that except that we were much better as friends and I wasn't having my needs met. Before that it had been ages, years since my last relationship. This may be a surprise to you but I haven't been the relationship kind of person. During my twenties I was basically single. I dated here and there, but no one stuck. No one was quite what I wanted on paper; funny, good looking, caring, compassionate, affectionate, has a good job, loves his mother, doesn't want kids, loves to travel, works out and takes good care of himself. Of course chemistry is important too. But what I wanted most was to date my best friend. Someone that made me laugh till I cry, that shared similar passions or at least supported and lifted me up in mine. Someone I could share all my secrets with, that I could be totally myself around and I knew they wouldn't judge me.

I was wiling to wait until that person came along. Not so patiently though. I had waves of trying really hard to find Mr. Right with internet dating and waves of not trying at all with self-imposed celibacy. Over the last 3-5 years I've had friends get engaged, get married, have children, and have more children (and get divorced sadly). Once I hit thirty it seemed like everyone around me was shacking up and it never seems to stop. It's interesting to me the overwhelming desire to domesticate and procreate found in these modern times. I have never wanted a traditional household, I have no desire to birth a child from my body. But what I do want is a long-term relationship with someone that rocks my world and meets my needs. 

People always say that relationships are work, that they are full of compromise. I don't believe they should be (maybe that's why I've been single most my adult life?). Am I naive to think that two people can join together, form a union of love and peace, without compromise or hard work? Do YOU have to work really hard in your relationship?

One of the main reasons for this post is almost all the successful, happy women that I know have a loving partnership. They always say that behind every good man there's a great woman. But I find the opposite to be true as well. Case in point is Christina Pirello. She is one of my mentors. If you are ever around her you will find this adorable glowing face right behind her that is her husband Robert. They have a beautiful story together; she was ill, he took care of her, then helped her build her brand. They are an unstoppable team and all these years later when you see them they are holding hands and all giggly like they just met.

Many women that inspire me are in loving relationships. Often their husbands are into totally different things and do not get involved in their business but there's nothing else like a loving partnership to help you feel supported. Marie Forleo's Q&A Tuesday video also sparked this post. A woman wrote in that she was not getting any support from her partner and he seemed to be on another planet when it came to future hopes and aspirations. Don't stay in a relationship when you are not on the same page about things, right?!

So I want to hear from you! When you met the love of your life did you instantly know he/she was the one? Or how soon did those feelings come? I feel like it's too early to tell anything with my new guy, but he definitely looks good on paper. He makes me feel great, is very loving and affectionate, motivates and pushes me to be better. And on side note: he's decided on his own to go plant-based and track his fitness progress (he's a bodybuilder and runner). It seems like we'll be a great team and support each other to reach our goals. Time will tell. 🙂

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Posted in My Blog on 08/15/2012 06:10 pm
 

41 Comments

  1. I've been in my share of failed relationships, even married once before. Once those ended I made a list of all the things I wanted out of a partner. And all those things that are "deal breakers!" I then just decided to sit back and wait because I was tired of putting myself out there. One day a friend, a new friend but one I had gotten to know well over several months, asked me to go out on a date with him. A little surprised but to be honest he was the guy on paper! I told him I was going to Vegas for the weekend to get away but if he'd like to make the drive with me we could do our date there. Wow, what a trip! The evening after our first date he proposed! I'm not all that spontaneous but said yes because somehow I just "knew!" When I returned home I went in to see my therapist because I thought for sure I must be crazy! He started going with for the 7 months prior to our wedding. We solidified our relationship with pre-problems counseling! It was amazing. Our communication is better than I ever expected it to be. He's supportive, attentive, funny, and an amazing father! I couldn't ask for better. 3 years later I know I married my best friend.

    Marrying your best friend is what makes things last, in my opinion. Sounds like you found a partner. And, no I don't think relationships should be hard work. This one isn't and we've been through some very tough times in our short time together. Job loss, both of us, sickness, stress, and we've made it through because we never tore each other down. We supported one another even when stress was high. That's what makes a relationship easy. Support. You can be angry with one another for one thing or another and still support the core values you two have found to be your strength. 

    I wish you lot's of happiness with this budding relationship! 

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    • I agree with every word of this and I LOVE the story! WOW! My whole post could be summed up in the words "Best Friend."

       

      Christy, good luck and just enjoy and see what happens. Everything changed for me when I stopped thinking so damn much about everything. haha!

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    • Wow that is a romantic story!! So it doesn’t just happen in the movies like that? 😉 I feel so much support with my new guy which is just so comforting. It makes me feel like everything will be ok no matter what.

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      • Funny you say that, it doesn't just happen in the movies. What was the most romantic part about the whole thing…I had told my man about a story of how my favorite hotel on the strip is NYNY. Year ago my family did a family reunion in Vegas and my cousin, Sam (same name as the hubby actually) and I wanted to ride all the roller coasters together. We were 18 and 19 (I believe) at the time so that was the best part of Vegas! We were meaning to go on the roller coaster at NYNY the entire trip. We talked about it the whole time! We even made it to the hotel and took pictures on the bridge and inside but he ended up having to leave early from the trip. I told him, next time, we will go on this ride together. Promise.  A few years later my cousin passed away. 🙁 He had returned from his Mission with the Mormon church and was heading to BYU for school. There was a freak snow storm in Utah and he stopped to help others during a multi-car pile up. He was struck by a car. I told my man this and he proposed right outside this hotel, near the Statue of Liberty, under the roller coaster. I still have not gone on this roller coaster because I promised Sam, but to be honest I think my Sam will be the one I go with. 🙂

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  2.  I think it is always work, but the special thing about the "right" relationship is that you want to do the work and the compromises don't seem world-shaking because you want the relationship to be the best it can and to be with this person. To me, my relationship feels easy. We *are* on the same page about most things, but where we aren't, we talk about it, work on it. You have to take one for the team.. often. Even if it's just doing more chores one day because the other person got swamped at work, or putting off your plans because a family member calls. I have been struggling with not controlling everything ("Why are you sauteeing the tofu in THAT pan? Make sure it doesn't stick!") He's cooking because he loves me and he went to a lot of trouble and it's going to taste awesome. I need to step off and I know that. I apologize and we move on. It's okay to ask that they do something for you, but you also have to step up when they need a hand. I've never been so aware of my own and others' motivations for things, my needs vs. others'. Sometimes it is conscious work to be the best partner you can be, but it's not HARD. And you have to both keep growing as individuals and trying new things. You want to be interesting right?

    You have to really truly love and champion the other person, even if it's not something you yourself are interested in. Being on the same page about major things (kids, career, travel, broader goals, etc). is very important for most people I think, but to me the most important thing is  you have to be so jazzed that they exist, that they're on earth and WITH YOU, so geeked to get to hang out with them, and feel so comfortable that you don't censor yourself. (Obv these are the ideal goals for a more developed relationship, not first dates!)

    Also, I'll note that I was friends with my guy for 8 years before I saw him as more than a friend. It happens all kinds of ways! I hope we will always be as happy as we are now.

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    • I totally agree with everything you said – it IS work, but it's work that you want to do and you love to do because at the end of the day, you are with your best friend. My bf and I have certainly had ups and downs but in some ways that has only made us closer and stronger.

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    • Yes work that you want to do doesn’t seem like work, just like doing what you love as a “job”. You are so cute, I’m the exact same way. Fiercely independent and somewhat controlling. Thankfully he has his sh*t together so I know I can go easy on him 😉

      You nailed it on the head. I want to get super geeked out on my partner!

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  3. Christy – how exciting! I'm thrilled for you! I have been with my husband for 19 years – yikes.  We will be married for 12(!) years in just two weeks.  I knew when I met him, or within a few months thereafter, that we would share our lives together.  It has not been easy, though.  I don't know if two people can ever live together and have a blissfully happy time – all the time (and I think unrealistic expectations make it hard to reconcile when you're in a low period).  We have our ups and we have our downs.  I don't know if we talked about this when you were here, but I NEVER thought I wanted to have kids until I was close to 30.  And, now at 37, I am expecting my 3rd! What a blessing they have been – they certainly changed my life and helped to show me what's important and what's not.  I don't say that to try to change your mind; I know everyone is different and has different needs/wants/goals, but I never would have known the different me I could be unless I had them.  I will also add that my husband is always supportive of me, 100%, even if he doesn't agree with me.  He wants me to be happy and I want the same for him.  Best of luck and I hope your relationship flourishes!

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    • Thank you! Wow, you have a strong relationship and that makes me so happy! Thanks for sharing your story. Congrats on the new baby! I know for sure I don’t want them, but I would consider adopting when I’m like 50+ and I’ve seen the world 😉

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  4. I'm definitely married to my best friend.  Who was the best friend of a guy I was dating when I met him 🙂

    It didn't take long for me to know D was the one – a few months at most.  We've been together a very long time, and you know what.  Polar opposites.  It works for us because he has an amazing amount of respect for me (that he shows all the time), and encourages all my quirky individualism.  He's romantic and silly and I get butterflies in my stomach every time he looks at me (oh, and we have 3 kids ages 17, 15, and 9 – so we're not newlyweds by any stretch of the imagination).  It's work sometimes, but not very often.  It helps that I think he's totally hot too 🙂

    Good luck in your new relationship.  Have fun, and it's when you don't try too hard that it all clicks together!

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  5. Timely post, since Matt's and my 3-year anniversary was yesterday!

    I absolutely did NOT know right away he was "the one" – oh gawd, not at all!  For the first 6 weeks I was trying to figure out if I even liked him…and then for the following 6 MONTHS, I kept thinking "No way this'll last.  No way."  I just thought we were too different in our histories and personalities.  But I've never, ever felt so comfortable and at ease around someone as I have around him, and we had such a great time hanging out, so we stuck together.  Finally, after about half a year, the feelings had definitely blossomed into full-blown love.  It took another year or more for me to be certain he was "the one."  So…LOTS of time!  But it was all worth it.  ðŸ™‚

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  6. Sorry, but yes, you will always have to do a bit of work and compromise. Maybe not at first, but over time (and over the years), you will find that you do need to go that extra mile to make it stick. The bottom line is even your best friend isn't perfect, and you will fall short of each other's expectations at times. If you're not BOTH willing to work/make compromises, you won't be able to get over those hurdles.

    I married my best friend 3 years ago, but when I met him years before, he was dating someone else, and while I thought he was fun, nice (and really hot!), it wasn't love at first sight. I fell in love with him a couple years later after dating him for a few months and really getting to see how he brings out the best of me and can read me like no one ever could. We're partners in crime, and that's all that matters. If you can stick together through both the good and bad stuff life throws at you, then you have something really special.

    On the "domesticating/child-rearing" side of things, I always thought I was the least maternal person around. I never even dreamed of having kids. But somehow being with my husband and making future plans together eventually led to us thinking about it. And a few weeks ago, we found out we're expecting! A year ago, I would have told you this would never happen in a million years… Now, I couldn't be more thrilled about being a mother. This alone made me realize that you just can't approach life with lists and well-defined plans. You need deal-breakers, sure. But you have to be open to what your partner, and your relationship will bring into your life, and how it will shape your future decisions in ways you don't even know yet.

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    • I’m totally willing to go the extra mile with someone I love and I’ve learned to not have high expectations (sure fire way to get disappointed). Partners in crime is exactly what I want! Thanks for sharing your lovely story. Congrats on the new addition to your family!

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  7. I am single (divorced) and don't know many truly happy couples.  Isn't that sad?  I know true love does exist but I believe that two people really have to know themselves and be comfortable in their skin to be happy together and form a solid partnership that can stand the test of time and withstand life's hardships.  I honestly think that finding a mate later in life is a better way to go- I am certainly not the same person now at 32 that I was at 22 or even 27.  I married relatively young and I believe that is why we grew apart and not together.  I still had so much soul searching to do at that time.  I know that relationships are never effortlessly perfect, but it does seem to me that a good match shouldn't have to constantly work at their relationship.  If you're on the same page and truly care about each other, problems should be pretty easy to work out.  Good luck to you and your new man!  Keep us posted!  🙂  So exciting.

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    • Surprisingly I know many happy couples. People that seem like they were just meant for each other. But I come from divorced parents and have many friends that are divorced. It’s the nature of relationships I suppose. I totally agree with you, I feel more able to form a good partnership later in life knowing myself and my goals very well.

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  8. Christy,

    When I first my now husband I didn't know he was the one.  It came little by little.  It was work.  At the beginning of your post you asked if it should be hard work.

    I think some relationships are harder than others.  The reasons vary and can't possibly all be examined in one article, video, conversation, or maybe if one lifetime.

    Why I think every relationship is work and needs attention is because every single person on this earth is imperfect.  We all have things that are not so good and we are all different.  It takes care and love to make sure that these weaknesses and imperfections don't hurt the relationship.

    There surely is true love.  I know that I have it and in order to keep it I have to be willing to sacrifice my pride and love others more than myself…:( not always that easy.

    Thanks for being so honest in this post.  I loved it!

    Sincerely,

    ~Heidi (Juicing Blogger @ Juicingpedia)

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    • Very true Heidi, thanks for sharing those thoughts. I know we are not perfect and thankfully he actually likes many things that I think are flaws in myself lol. 🙂

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  9. Aw shucks, this post gave me all sorts of warm and fuzzies – so naturally, I couldn't help but chime in with my own happily-ever-after (well, it's in the works, at least).

    I met Niko during my first experience climbing at the rock gym in Tallahassee, FL – he's the manager, so naturally he was always around while I was learning the ropes. I was introduced to climbing by the guy I had been dating at the time (with whom I am still great friends with), and he incidentally introduced me to Niko. Some sparks flew between us during my first outdoor climbing trip to Tennessee; I could tell he was crushin' by the way he watched me tromp around the woods looking for owls at night. 

    A few weeks later, he invited me on a bike ride from Tallahassee out to the coast along the St. Marks river trail. It's a 30+ mile bike ride, and I was so miserable huffing and puffing along on my old rusty bike – but somewhere along that bike ride, I was pedaling behind him, and had this crazy moment where I realized "holy shit, I'm in love with this boy – and I hardly know him." It was truly terrifying – but three years later, and we're still going strong. 

    So strong, in fact, that in January, we're selling everything we own, buying a Sprinter, building a bed in the back, and spending the entire year of 2013 traveling around the country to climb and spread the good tidings of land stewardship. The way I look at it, we're either going to return 'just friends,' or (fingers crossed) on the verge of engagement. 🙂

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    • OMG Katie!! What a great story. That is SO awesome that you plan to travel together. That is one thing I want from a relationship is someone to travel with. Me and my new guy already planned a short trip for next month. After that we will really know if it’s meant to be lol 🙂

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  10. ^^^ love your story Katie! Love the spriner plan!

    Christy, great post! 🙂 I met my husband at a mutual friends vegan potluck dinner. We hit it off instantly. He called me the next day (Sunday) and asked me out on a date to go out for ethiopian food. We went out on Tuesday, then Wednesday, Thursday…and by the end of the week I knew he was the one!! He moved in two weeks later, we got engaged shortly after and we got married in 6 months. It was awesome! Out first thanksgiving, christmas, and valentines day were as a married couple! We have spent everyday together since our first date. I was surprised how it happened since I had recently got out of a long term relationship with a guy that wasn't right for me not too long before I met my husband and wasn't looking for anyone. I lucked out! We will be married 3 years this fall and I feel so fortunate to be married to my best friend. After meeting my husband I realised how easy it is with him and how hard I had to work and compromise in my prior relationship which I wasn't that happy in. Its amazing when you meet that special person!! 🙂

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    • Yay vegans coming together always makes me happy. I decided awhile back that I would date outside the vegan community to open up my dating pool but also to give me the chance to convert 😉 But having that kind of connection is so special because it’s your livelihood in many cases. I’m so happy it worked out having moved so quickly. I keep trying to slow this down because I worry it will fizzle out.

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  11. I fell in love with my husband when I was 14 and he was 15.  We became best friends, and by the time I was 15, we were together as a couple and have been strong ever since, for the past 25 years. 

    I've always said if you have like-minded views on the big things, the little things don't matter.  Do you have to compromise?  I'd say yes, but only on the little things. Over the years our beliefs have evolved, and thankfully we evolved together.  If you have to compromise the big things such as your beliefs and values, then you're going to be unhappy throughout your relationship.  

     

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  12. Hi Christy,

    I'm 64 years old…and I was married for 23 years the first time.  We knew in 3 weeks there was a great attraction and we moved in together, married and had 2 wonderful children.  Then we chose different life paths and parted.  We attend all of our children's events and share in our grandchildren also.  It is nice to be able to do this.  Fifteen months after our breakup (when I felt enough time had passed for me to properly mourn the end of that relationship and about 100 books later), I went to a singles dance and met my current husband.  On August 13th, we celebrated 17 years together.  Basically I formulated a list in my mind of what I wanted in a mate.  I discussed this with him and then we negotiated a few things and one week after I met him he moved in.  He truly is my best friend and my life partner in every sense of the word.  We have trouble spending even one night away from each other and then start missing the other like crazy.  So I guess you could say that I have only been on 2 dates in 42 years…which works for me.

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    • Wow, wonderful story. It’s never too late to meet someone special! It makes me so happy to know that after 17 years you are still crazy for each other 🙂

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  13. I am with the love of my life now.  We dated at 19, but lost touch when I moved to a new university.  We both married the wrong people, but reconnected a few years ago.  I was relationship for many years that was extremely hard work, but completely unfulfilling. This relationship is EASY.  He is hands down my best friend and we only have the best intentions for each other.  I didn't even know a love like this existed, but I can tell you he was definitely worth the wait .  

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  14. I loved this post, Christy! Thanks for sharing! I knew within a few weeks that my husband was "the guy" for me. And we married 3 months after we started dating. Crazy, I know! But we've been happily kicking it together for 31 years now. And we haven't had to "work hard" at our relationship. I don't think it's naive to think it's possible to come together in peace and love and not have to work your butt off to keep your relationship vibrant, alive, and thriving! Because I've experienced that with my guy. He's my best friend. And the cool thing is that we've changed so much over the years but have remained crazy in love with each other. Our relationship has never stunted the growth of who we are as individuals. We've had difficult times, of course. Because stuff happens, right? Sometimes life throws rocks at you. But we've always faced those tough times head on together. ♥

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    • Wow that was quick! I wrote this post in hopes that the comments would help me get over my skepticism of love and relationships. It stories like yours that do!

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  15. I love that you opened up about this.  It's true that it's work, but it doesn't feel like it.  My hubby and I met the summer before I went to collage.  We had to drive back and forth across the state of Michigan on weekends to see eachother.  It was hard, but we always looked forward to time together.  Then he moved to NYC for a medical program, and I moved to Tampa for a teaching job. Crazy! But we made it work because we adored eachother .  We'd talk on the phone every day and suprise eachother with packages.  Flying half across the country wasn't easy, but was worth it!  It's taught us to really treasure every moment together.  I can hardly believe we've been together for 11 years (married for 4).  You know you've got something great when every date is the best you've ever been on. 🙂

    I hope this continues on a blissful path for you both! <3

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    • So, to answer your question, it is work but it doesn't compromise your morals and core beliefs.  I knew from the beginning he was extra special.  After a few months I knew it was going to be long term, and after a year I knew he was the one.  Love grows deeper with time.  I know people who are very happy and things moved faster.  They are wildly passionate individuals, and their love continues to grow.  We met young, so we took our time. Every relationship is unique.  You have to find a balance where you both are happy and bring out the best in eachother. 🙂

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    • Thanks for sharing Nicole! I like work that doesn’t feel like work (that’s how my business is!).

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  16. Thanks for sharing, Christy — new love is so exciting, and I'm so happy for you! This gives me hope. I recently got out of a 5-year relationship (with a guy who was my best friend, though we sadly do not speak much now) and have been sorta seeing/obsessing over this one guy who seems perfect in almost every way except that he's just not that into me. So, while I'm not exactly compromising what I want in a man, on paper at least, I am compromising how I want to be treated. Your story and everyone's comments make me remember that, rather than getting hung up on this guy, I should hold out for someone who makes relationships easy! You know when it's right.

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    • Yes woman, you deserve someone that is SO into you that it brightens your day. That’s how it is with my new guy. If he’s not super into you then it’s time to move on and free up energy and space for the right one to come along. 🙂

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  17. I broke up with Erik about 3 times before I married him. But, those break up times allowed me to figure out that he was indeed the one. Yes, I was and am totally crazy about him, but being married really is hard. However, the most important thing, I think, is the willingness to grow together. We had our bumps, and we went to counseling for about 3 years, every week for a while, then every month. It was the best thing ever! We shared out past hurts with each other, and grew to understand each other better and help each other grow. Feeling safe with him was really important to me. He (and I) wasn't perfect when I married him, but I was positive that he had the potential to be the man he is today, and we stuck with it. We have better sex and more fun now than when we first started! I'm so thankful that we both decided to work and fight for a better relationship. Now, I can see us growing old together and feel loved. 

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